Tag Archives: teenagers

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A Chocolate Elephant

The following is a common saying in our household.

How do you eat an elephant?  

One bite at a time.

Well today we modified this saying.

How do you eat an elephant made of chocolate? 

One bite at a time – one bite every day.

Why the change?

First, chocolate seemed much more pleasant than thinking of eating a real elephant.  Second, to make it through something as big as an elephant, one needs to be consistent in the task.  Eating too much too fast can bring on all sorts of complications.  Taking too large of breaks between bites could cause problems as well.

So when you have an elephant of a task to tackle, daily bites will get the job done. Plus it never hurts to eat some chocolate along the way.

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Parenting 101 – Risky Behavior

Risk: exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance.

It seems no matter how hard parents try, youth will dabble with risky behavior.  Never having been one to enjoy scary movies, this tendency has baffled me.  Living on the edge and taking risks for any reason is just not part of my nature.  Sure, in my 20’s I sometimes drove too fast, drank too much at parties, went running in areas many felt were unsafe, and pushed myself unceasingly to achieve a goal, but none of these actions were done for the thrill of danger or out of rebellion.  I was aware of the danger involved in my risky behavior and chose to take the risk, often in a need to prove something to myself rather than to others or for any kind of thrill.  In truth dangerous behavior makes me uneasy, anxious and rather ill, but for others it can be like an opiate.

Venturing into risky behavior is part of the nature of many youth and is not necessarily an indication of bad parenting. Conscientious parents face this reality quite frequently. Some succeed in teaching their youth that such behavior is dangerous. Some, despite their best efforts, do not.  Sadly some, through their well-meaning rules, regulations and restrictions, simply delay such lessons until their youth are no longer youth but legal adults.

Life is tough and sometimes in our youth, we make life tougher for ourselves and our parents.  Risky behavior is found all around us, encouraged by many in our society, and is a reality of life that is not new to our time in history.  Good people, old and young, choose to do foolish things.  This makes parenting a tough job, and too often a highly criticized one as well.

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The Power of a Hug

I am sure all moms experience to some degree doubt and concern over their job performance.  Moms who homeschool their kids most likely experience a larger dose of self-doubt.  Unlike other jobs, motherhood does not come with scheduled performance evaluations and job improvement plans.  Critical reviews seldom come in unbiased form.  “You’re the greatest mom,” in response to some treasure bestowed on your child or, “You suck,” when the treasure is denied, do not adequately assist in self-evaluation.  The input of a caring spouse is often no more helpful.

Since my children are nearing the age when my influence will diminish, especially in the role of primary educator, I felt it was time to have a serious evaluation period with them; an evaluation of my performance. This feeling was prompted by an article I read about children repeating abusive language and questioning the idea of whether they could develop such language without having been first exposed to it.  The author, having been an abused child, shared some of her own heart wrenching memories.  As I too had been a child of “tough love” which often crossed the line into verbal abuse, this article rekindled a deep fear in me. A fear promoted by the news coverage of the early 1980’s which reported that children of abuse would grow up to be abusers.

I don’t like fear, being controlled by fear and most importantly inflicting fear, but as with any human, fear is a part of my life and is a reality.  When fear creeps in, I like to meet it head on and address it.  So fearing that I may have been too harsh with my criticisms at times, I decided that my children were mature enough and articulate enough to provide me with a job performance evaluation.  I was amazed when we were finished, because they could not remember all the times I screwed up, when I yelled too much, or the times I felt like I had used too much discipline.  They did recall times when corporal punishment was used, and strangely their memories where not the same as mine.  It seems punishing them had hurt me much more than it had them. What they remembered were the lessons they had learned and they were very articulate in their appreciation. When it was all said and done, their reviews of my job performance were pretty good and they expressed compassion over my self-doubt and worry.

In reflection, I began to wonder what made me different from my parents.  I grew up knowing my parents loved me and while my father had some real problems that today would be prosecuted, they did try to do their best, at least in my pre-teen years.  However, what had been missing were hugs and verbal expressions of love.  These were the things, coupled with all my many apologies for my mistakes, I tried to make daily occurrences in our home.  Not just bedtime hugs, but hugs when they were doing their schoolwork or the dishes; spontaneous hugs and daily declarations of love.  It is amazing what the power of a hug can do.

While I suspect it may be my only “A” grade in motherhood, it is good to know I did not fail in the department of showing my love for my children.

 

 

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A Perk of Having a Teen Driver

When your kids are little, a morning spent in warm sunshine and cool breezes, followed by an hour plus car ride, guaranteed they slept on the drive home. 

When they are driving age, you put them behind the wheel and take a nap yourself.

(Note To Concerned Readers:  It was my husband who left the driver seat and traded places with our son.  I remained in the shotgun seat, trying to avoid taking a nap myself. Not an easy task on undulating, country roads.)

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Save the Thesaurus

The problem with education today is the notion it must be boring in order to be of value.  Too often the excitement is drained out of informative material leaving an uninviting, grey mass for students to digest.

Feeling repulsed by the lack of color, some students turn to the overly technical or highbrow language of a single course of study. Others throw all caution to the wind with the use of slang, sound bites or insulting language, thereby lowering the bar rather than elevating it.

Creative words and phrases are endangered. The thesaurus is a dusty relic on a shelf.

If something does not change, eloquent language will become extinct!

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Saith Me… Burdens and Blessings

Often the greatest burdens in life are also the greatest blessings, or result from the greatest blessings.  Just like there is a fine line between genius and insanity, there is a fine line between burden and blessing. Hope for days more blessed than burdened, and remember without burdens life would be boring.

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The Cowardly Lion

The Happy LionIt has been quite a while since I thought about the Wizard of Oz. Truthfully I was never a huge fan of the movie. The witches and flying monkeys always bothered me.  I remember watching it once in the 80’s on TV and being perplexed when the scary monkeys didn’t appear.  The channel had cut them out for some unexplained reason, but even without the monkey scenes, I still wasn’t a fan.  By the time I reached adulthood, I had developed a dislike for the good witch as well as the bad one, but for entirely different reasons.

I thought Dorothy was childish, loved everything about Toto, felt sorry for the Tin Man, laughed at the Scarecrow, and wanted to pat the Cowardly Lion on the head.  I understood the point of the movie, but found it to be nauseatingly sweet.  Now, that I think about it more – I really didn’t like the movie.

Today however, I gained a greater appreciation for one of the characters.  I began to ponder the Cowardly Lion.  As long as he stayed in his dark and scary forest, he thought himself a coward.  He could not see the courage inside of himself; the courage it takes to live in a scary world and not run away.

Sadly, his definition of courage was based on the acts of thrill seekers and desperate men.  He thought that by facing danger, suffering hardship and journeying to some far off land, he would become brave and thereby receive the rewards given to brave men.   His journey to OZ had not been necessary, and even after leaving his comfort zone and placing himself in danger, he struggled to recognize his own natural courage. In the end, the Cowardly Lion had to be told of how he had always possessed the thing which he desired.  Even through the journey, danger and challenge, he had not recognized his own courageousness nature.

Real courage is often overlooked and undervalued.  The courage to like oneself, to make good choices, and to be your own cheerleader is too often called pride and therefore underdeveloped and under-recognized.  How many people, especially youth, seek challenge and danger just so they can receive a reward or praise?  Just so they can fit in with a crowd?

Today the Cowardly Lion became the focus of a mother-son discussion, and while the Wizard of Oz will never be a favorite movie, the Lion will hold a tender place in my heart.

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Great Benefits and The Best Pension Plan

I have just spent the last two weekends with my daughter learning how to weave, knit and crochet with metal.  My daughter even learned how to use an acetylene torch – with the eagle eye of the instructor watching her while my eagle eyes were fiercely averted.  I felt no need to learn how to use the torch, and even less desire to see my daughter wield the flame.  My daughter was eager to learn the new skill and was competent enough on her first try to work her second project unattended.

For the majority of the class we sat side by side, occasionally speaking, but mostly working in concentrated silence.  We each took opportunities to interact with the other students, and my daughter even switched tables once in order to learn something new from a fellow student.  There were times of abundant laughter and times of awkward silence in the class, but never did my daughter and I regret our seating arrangement.

We shared tools, commented on each other’s projects and gave each other pointers.  When she looked tired, I reminded her to drink some water.  When I looked uncomfortable, she asked if I needed her to get me something.

We created quite a bit of interesting work.  We each tried new things, but then gravitated to our comfort zones when tired.  She wove with metal using multiple techniques; I played with knitting and crochet.  Most of the time our color pallets clashed, but oddly at the very end we were using not only the same color pallet but utilizing the same technique to create strikingly different objects.

Is it luck that my teenaged daughter and I can have such positive experiences together?  No it is not luck.  It is lots of time, planning and work.  It is a full time job with great benefits and the very best of pension plans.